Posts Tagged ‘I wanted to die’

I wanted to die

May 26, 2009

Have you had one of those moments yet where you do something so stupid that you wish you could find a hole to crawl into and never come out?  Has your mouth started working before your brain and you’ve said something that makes you feel like a complete moron?  Well, if nothing like this has happened to you yet then you’re lucky but, be prepared, it will.

I was in 7th grade in a Spanish class that was full of some of the most popular and mean kids at my school.  I was a little over weight, and very shy.  Spanish class was right after PE and we had been outside playing so I’d taken a shower before going to my next class.  What I had forgotten to do was put on deodorant.  Now, my mother had really pushed the use of deodorant and we’d discussed in health class how the person who stank was the last person to realize it.  So, there I sat, surrounded by all these “beautiful” people, knowing that every second I waited, would bring me closer to becoming the BO culprit.  I HAD to put on some deodorant before that happened.  I raised my hand, got the teachers attention and explained that I had forgotten something in my PE locker and needed to go get it (I didn’t want to tell her the real reason I needed to go.)  Well, the teacher was a bitch.  She wouldn’t let me go.  Of course, that just made the situation worse.  I just knew that I was going to start smelling up the room in a matter of seconds.  I raised my hand again and this time really tried to convince the teacher that I needed to take care of something in PE.  Again she said “no” and in an act of desperation I begged.  Finally she said “What is the real problem here?”  I whispered “I forgot to put on deodorant.”  People started snickering around me and I heard one of the more popular girls laugh and yell out “What did she say?!”  More students began to laugh and the teacher finally told me to “go!”  I can remember walking into the locker room and wanting to just sit down and cry.  If cell phones had been available I probably would have called my mom and complained of being sick so I could have gone home.  That wasn’t an option though, so I put on my deodorant (hoping I wasn’t too late to prevent BO) and slowly walked back to class.   Walking back into that classroom was the toughest thing I had ever done.  Of course, there were some kids who snickered when I came back in.  I don’t remember ever being teased about the incident again, but I kept “seeing” nasty tags attached to me for quite a while afterwards.  I was never comfortable in the class again, and became even more shy and withdrawn.

There were more times where I embarrassed myself horribly but I had learned something very important that day in class.  No matter how embarrassed or upset something you do makes you feel, you will get over it.  Your peers will get over it even quicker.  You see, they have their own embarrassing moments.  And those moments for them, are way more traumatic than anything that happened to you.  DSC_7579

So, if you have experienced a moment when you wish you were dead because of something you’ve done or said then remember;  Everyone has those moments, and to you, they may seem like the end of your existence as you know it, but to others, they’re just a brief moment in time.