Archive for February, 2010

Evolution, The Reason why “Good” girls go for “Bad” boys?

February 27, 2010

Let me be straight here. What follows is strictly my voice alone. I have worked in middle school and high schools for years, and am always amazed at how so many “good” girls go after the “bad” boys. I can even say that I myself did the same type of thing when I was younger. I’ve become even more curious now that my own children are dating. Then, just a couple of days ago, I was talking to my son about dating and made the comment that young girls tended to like the bad boys who took control, didn’t always do what they wanted, etc. That’s when it occurred to me that maybe girls liked bad boys because of evolution.

Think about it. The bad boy is the one who does what he wants, controls situations, appears tougher, and doesn’t do what other’s tell him to. He’s in control and seems to have power that others don’t. Is this whole phenomenon simply the result of survival of the fittest?

Think about cavemen. The nice Neanderthal, who shared his food and spent a lot of quality time with others, probably didn’t have the most food. Instead, the one who thought more of himself than others most likely spent much more time hunting and stocking up. The neanderthal woman would find herself in a quandary. Do they stick with the nice male who spent more time making them happy than hunting for food, or the selfish male who always had food available but didn’t really care what their females did as long as they didn’t get in their way? The Neanderthal thug who killed everything he saw may have provided the best for those around him. Of course, this doesn’t necessarily make the woman happy but at least she’s full!

Now, let’s look a little closer to home, say a few hundred years ago. The early American male who got sentimental over shooting Bambi probably didn’t have as much to eat as the one who came back covered in blood and boasting about his kills. The man who thought nothing of beating up a rival probably ended up with a lot more than the nice guy. Who could blame a girl for sticking to the one who could provide the best for them. The toughest, meanest guy around probably didn’t have too much trouble with getting what he wanted, and keeping it.

Now, if all of this is true, then todays society has totally screwed up what evolution has created. Young girls who haven’t yet figured this out are therefore still drawn to the “tough” guy, not understanding that the “smart” guy is the best choice in the ‘being able to provide category.’ Sometimes it takes years for the smart girl to finally get past these evolutionary tendencies. So, good guys if you’re feeling like you’re being left out, don’t get too discouraged, eventually the girls will figure it out.

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Relationships and the mistakes we make.

February 24, 2010

I believe that one of the hardest things in a relationship is not listening to what the other person says, but understanding what is being said without preconceptions. Our personalities are, at least partially, developed through experience. Those experiences are our’s alone, and though they may be similar to other’s, the way we take them in is unique to us. That was made even more evident to me after I was prescribed a medication that affected my personality. I was having some problems with circulation and nerve pain and my doctor prescribe a medication in the hopes that it would ease some of this. Instead, it only seemed to make me expect the worse. I felt angry and defensive all the time. Simple comments could set me off and then stick with me. After a week of taking this medicine, I called my doctor’s office and asked if I could stop taking the medicine. The nurse told me to stop immediately and went on to say that this was a common side effect. I stopped taking the pills, and within a week was feeling much more like my old self. I wish that I could do the same thing with some of my other emotional hangups just as easily.

My mother pushed me to succeed by throwing my failures in my face constantly. Her expectation were suppose to be my expectations. If my goals did not follow along with her’s, then they weren’t good enough. I accepted what she said literally and began to believe that I was a failure. If I didn’t keep my room clean then I was lazy and I accepted that label as a personal fault, not just as her means of making me do more. I have been over weight most of my life. With the help of our society, this has become a character flaw, not just a lifestyle. The way I internalized it as an over weight child was that I wasn’t good enough. My weight became a factor in how I “heard” others. “Let’s go get a salad.” became “You should just get a salad.” “Are you going to eat all of that?” became; “Please tell me you’re not going to eat all of that.” For a person who had not experienced the emotions I had in being an over weight child, those two statements would be taken in a very different way.

Relationships involve two people with unique life experiences. The way those experiences shape our personalities can undermind the level of success in our relationships with others. A spouse, or someone who is significant in our lives, can say something that hurts our feelings. In so many of those cases, we take it personally and can let it fester. We get angry, feel bad, feel like a failure. Unfortunately we seldom try to explain those feelings, instead, we simply build on them. The person who has said the things that have hurt us may mean something entirely different and as a result are baffled by our reaction. Here are some examples:

“Should we get a half order of potato skins?” May simply be a question, not a reference on how much you eat.

“Let me help.” May be a simple offer, not an indication that the person offering doesn’t think you’re smart enough to do it yourself.

“Let’s go for a walk.” May mean that the person just wants to spend time with you, not that YOU NEED to EXERCISE!

Don’t even get me started with those dating lines!

Ok, I’ve really focused on primarily how girls feel but I’m sure that guys have some of the same issues. But, since I am a girl and I can understand me better than you guys I’m going to add a few more examples:

“Will you do the laundry?” means will you wash, dry, fold, and put up the clothes. I doesn’t mean will you turn on a machine.

When a man says “I did the dishes.” and expects to be rewarded for it. He needs to understand that putting dishes into a dishwasher and leaving all the pans in the sink, does not constitute “doing the dishes.”

“I’ve looked everywhere!” includes moving objects and looking under them.

Okay, I am trying for a laugh here but these types of things can cause a lot of discord in a relationship too. Men may really believe that if they put clothes in the washing machine and start the wash cycle, they are “doing the laundry.” To a man, maybe “dishes” only include plates, and glasses.

We need to get past our reactions by interacting. It’s not always easy and it may not always turn out the way we want, but hopefully we’ll avoid a lot of pain, anger, and low self esteem. And maybe, if we’re really lucky, we’ll learn to respect and accept our differences for what they really are

Healy and his surgery

February 24, 2010

We got Healy as a rescue puppy almost a year ago.  From the start he seemed to have some problems with his gait.  Unfortunately, this past week he had to have surgery on his right hip.  He’s doing great but it cost us a small fortune.  The vet removed the ball in the hip joint.  It sounds horrible but I’m so impress with how he’s doing.  The vet’s office calls him a real trooper.  The vet even thanked us for letting him have the surgery.  I guess a lot of people would have simply let him live in pain or put him down.  He’s too good a dog for us to do that.  He’s still NEVER had an accident in the house.  He’s an excellent watch dog; he’ll bark at anyone coming down our driveway, unfortunately that includes all of us too.

Here’s a couple of pictures of him right after surgery.  The little girl with him is ginger.

Healy one day after surgery

Healy